My dear Lord… Bhajana Kutir #121

3:30 P.M.

My Dear Lord Krishna…

I am writing to You and asking You to read what I write. Please pay attention to my case. Help me to work through my difficulties and become a more successful devotee. I do not chant the Hare Krishna mantra with full attention. I do not reach out enough to help the conditioned souls. I do not hear the scriptures regularly enough and with submissive aural reception. I don’t take part in kirtana enough. I don’t tolerate my pains bravely enough. I don’t love the association of devotees and participate enough in their company. I don’t serve You fervently enough. I don’t control my mind and senses completely. I don’t practice tapasya strictly enough or follow the regulations strictly enough. I am too much of an ease-lover. I worry too much and put myself into too much anxiety. I don’t write at as high a standard as I’d like to. I’m not serious enough in preparing for death. I’m not joyful, as one in contact with You should be. I’m not enthusiastic and patient, as advised by Rupa Goswami. He says these are the first two favorable items in devotional service.

I have so many shortcomings and faults. I cannot overcome them by myself. I need Your karunya-sakti, Your potency of mercy to help me. How can I gain this? I think the answer is to try to work at my shortcomings, and then You will be inclined to help me. But some of my faults are so deeply ingrained that I can’t seem to improve them. So I ask for Your causeless mercy.

This may seem like an unworthy proposal, to simply ask for Your help. But I’ve been trying so long to improve at the mentioned faults and those faults of mine that I haven’t mentioned here, and yet the faults remain. In one sense, I simply have to accept myself as I am, “warts and all,” and not give up hope that I can improve by my own endeavors. I do think this way. I do try to improve, and I also accept myself as I am. But in addition, I ask for Your help.

My asking for help may seem like a kind of bargaining with You, which does not sound right. You are already giving me full mercy and full opportunity to improve. And You are accepting me as I am. But I want to please You more. I don’t want to be mediocre. I want to be a better devotee.

And I should also mention that I am satisfied. I like the peaceful isolation I enjoy. It goes deep. I’m pretty satisfied and fixed at staying at home and writing the journal. It fits in with my headaches. My writing turns to You, especially the prayer. Like the free writing, it’s a demanding task. I think my poems are a bit dogmatic. I introduce You clumsily, but it’s Krishna conscious, so it’s good for that. I want to improve them and make them as free as my older poems. I’m just saying I’m absorbed in the writing, and it’s a satisfying life. I’m not completely absorbed in my shortcomings.

But if You could help me to become a staunch devotee, that would be nice. On my own, it’s “hope against hope.” I cannot see how I will reach the higher realms of Krishna consciousness, though I would like to. Can You please give me some of Your karunya-sakti so that I can be more pleasing to You? And from my side, although it sounds like bargaining, I will try to do my best, stay in the phalanx, and even improve my efforts.

from #121→