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5.05 A.M.

I rose at 2.30 A.M. with a clear head and began chanting. At first I felt resentment toward my japa thinking, “Why do I have to do this old thing?” But I soon overcame it and found my natural liking. I moved through the mantras silently with attention and devotion. A devotee wrote to me telling me that he had been praying for my improved health but that I had told him not to do it because that’s up to providence. But he now wrote to me and told me that he’s hoping that I can achieve ruci for the holy names. I thanked him for this prayer. If I can attain a higher taste it will inspire others. In the meantime I have to honestly tell them that I’m struggling, still with the mechanics, still apparently committing offenses, but steadfast in my execution of the yajna. I will not give up. I will not dislike it. I will enter the holy name earnestly every morning and give it my full attention. I believe in the words of the scriptures that it is the most merciful form of Krishna and the only sacrifice possible in this age for attaining God realization.  So I’m not an unfortunate despite the fact that I have not reached some extraordinary state, not yet.

Chanting as duty,
a deeply ingrained
habit. A friend wrote
me that she is too
busy to do sixteen. I sympathize but
will not let it happen
to me. In my twenty four hours
per day I find over
two hours to give to
Krishna, even though it’s
not pure chanting. Giving
Him my time is the least
that I can do,
and the other demands
must wait until
this is done.

Prabhupada meditation

We have to keep asking ourselves whether we can go beyond what Srila Prabhupäda taught us in 1966, 1975, etc.—can we go beyond it in this lifetime? Did he expect us to grow, become purified, and ask more questions?

According to Vaisnava siddhanta, the sincere disciple meets up with the spiritual master in the spiritual world. For the slack disciple, the spiritual master has to return to the material world in some form to bring the disciple back to Godhead.

Meeting with the spiritual master in his eternal form is esoteric information. Some of us are so attached to Prabhupada in the form in which we saw him, that we don’t even like to hear that he has another spiritual form. It seems to diminish our Prabhupada as we knew him. But as we advance in understanding, we have to at least honor the fact that there is more to our relationship with Prabhupada than has been manifest so far in this world.

Prabhupada accomplished so many things in a relatively brief time. He set a flawless example and gave us volumes of written and spoken instruction. We cannot estimate the value of Prabhupada’s contribution to our lives. Everything he gave us continues to exist after his departure, and it will continue to sustain the Krishna consciousness movement for centuries. All this has come about just from the “temporary” appearance of Prabhupada.

Srila Prabhupada said in that morning walk, “Don’t ask someone else. When you eat, you will know yourself what the result is.” One thing I want to do is read Srila Prabhupada seriously. When I read “something else,” either from others or on my own, I have to test my reactions and make them conform to my faith in Prabhupada. I don’t want to minimize or relativize his influence in my life.

The Branches of the Caitanya Tree

I played background music
while I read my poems on the
internet. It enhanced the lyrics
providing an add-ease mood to
make the parampara more accessible.
The poems spoke of “Stardust”
and “The Gardens of Vrindavana,”
my version of what Radha and Krishna
do in Goloka Vrindavana and  a
hope to go there and enjoy
devotional service. These are
impossible hopes, but I
expressed them in the asa-bandhu
spirit, “hope against hope.”

The music laps against the shore
as my words stand up clear and
simple, repeating what I’ve
heard from confidential conversations
and purports to Prabhupada’s books.
I can’t remember what I wrote
and so I make a new one.
I need to always be expressing
Krishna’s lila, either in Vrindavana
or in His appearance as Caitanya Mahaprabhu.

Krishnadasa Kaviraja is describing all
the branches of the Caitanya tree, the first through the twenties.
He mentioned Gadadhara das who
is the incarnation of the luster
of Radharani. He mentioned
Vasudeva Datta who wanted to take
the sins of all the living entities
on himself so they could be
free of karma. Lord Caitanya
repeatedly said he was living
in the world only because of
Vasudeva Datta and that His
body belonged to Vasudeva.
He mentioned Haridas Thakura
as the twentieth branch, who
chanted three hundred thousand holy names
a day and passed the test
when Mayadevi came
to allure him. He mentioned
as another branch, Jagadananda
who was formerly Satyabhauma
in Krishna lila and who
argued with Lord Caitanya
over trifles. He mentioned Nrisimha Brahmacari
who sometimes talked to Nrisimhadev
and who constructed a beautiful
pathway in his mind for Lord Caitanya
to walk on to Vrindavana. But his
meditation was broken enroute
and he announced to the devotees
that Lord Caitanya would not
travel all the way to Vrindavana.
He mentioned the householder Satyaraja
Khan who came each year from
Kulina Gram and brought silken
ropes for Jagannatha and asked
the Lord essential questions which
are forever recorded, such as,
“Who is a Vaishnava?”
He mentioned Brahmananda Bharati
who once appeared before the Lord
wearing a deer skin and was ignored
by Caitanya until he changed into
saffron and who accompanied the Lord in many of His pastimes.
He mentioned Vakresvara Pandit
who was a great sankirtana dancer
and could dance seventy two hours without
stopping. Raghava Pandita used
to carry the food his sister Damayanti
made for Lord Caitanya. He carried
it in bags to Jagannatha Puri, and
the Lord used to eat from it
all year long.

There are many more names
of devotees on the branches
of the Lord Caitanya’s tree which
Krishnadasa Kaviraja mentions and he says, “I offer my respects
to all the branches of the tree
of devotees of the Lord who
distribute the fruits of love
of Krishna.”

Prabhupada mentions that
ISKCON is a branch of
the Caitanya tree and that
means his followers
could one day be listed
and their accomplishments
mentioned.  They have
done the work of pioneering
Krishna consciousness in many
countries around the world,
and they maintain their
practices in obedience in the order of their spiritual
master. Krishnadasa Kaviraja
says none of Lord Caitanya’s followers
should be considered better than the others. They
are all very dear to Him.Similarly, we should
not judge some ISKCON devotees
as better than others.
All sincere
devotees are absolute and dear
to their spiritual master and to Krishna.
Yet each of us should strive
to improve and take a place
on one of the branches of the tree,
making ourselves memorable for a
singular contribution to the Lord, that can be listed in the expanded
Caitanya-caritamrta that is being written
in the mind of Lord Caitanya.

Free write

Write through a writing block and try to catch a daydream. They are similar to night dreams, and you can’t remember them. But even if you were there and saw them you were dead. Many old politicians hold on to their positions as long as they can. Different and sometimes contradictory sub-persons in you.  On prominent issues they may disagree. Lord Caitanya bestows His causeless mercy upon His devotees in three ways. His own direct appearances are called saksat. His prowess within someone He empowers is called avesa or sometimes saktyavesa. In the age of Kali the only spiritual function is to broadcast the holy name of the Lord but it can be performed only by one who is empowered by Lord Krishna. (By this evidence, Prabhupada is such an avesa or saktyavesa person.)  A manifestation of the Lord even when He is not present is called avirbhava. This occurred when Sri Sacimata offered food to  Lord Caitanya and although He was far away in Jagannatha Puri, when she opened her eyes after offering the food, she saw that it was actually eaten by Him. Similarly when Srinivasa Thakura performed sankirtana, everyone felt the presence of Sri Caitanya Mahaprabhu even in His absence.

I can’t think of anything to say. You behave yourself. You leave your room only once a day to take a walk. Yadunandana Swami said when he travels and preaches he feels alive. I am living virtually by writing a few pages. I hope to give inspiration to others, but am I inspired? Ricard is playing on his drums. Jaya Govinda is taking care of his family. Sastra is on pilgrimage in Jagannatha Puri, visiting Tota Gopinatha temple for mangala arati and listening to Dhanudhara Swami lecture during the day. Narayana is writing his bhakti-sastri exam. Nitai Gaursundara, and Saci-suta, and Haridasa, and Kirtan Rasa, are all at work at their jobs. Baladeva is taking care of me, cooking an Ekadasi lunch.

I finished my quota of rounds just before lunch time. I was feeling weak. But I did them rapidly and dutifully. It is the main obligation of the day. I chanted in my mind and heard the syllables. I was like a child crying out to his mother. Mother Hara heard my cries and was kind upon me. Krishna was pleased. Even imperfect chanting gives great achievement in spiritual life. The ultimate way to overcome offenses in chanting is to go on chanting with determination. I don’t know what else to do. It is a great satisfaction to complete the rounds.